Past and Present

I decided to clean out my file cabinet today because the desk area is overrun with financial papers and tax papers and receipts of all sorts that I can no longer control. I stumbled on a wedding invitation and opened it. It was mine. Don't get me wrong every time I clean out the cabinet I discover things I once knew well and now no longer associate myself with. Inside the invite was a picture of my first honeymoon. He was far away on the beach and crouching on an erosion barrier, the sunset in the background was God showing off. It was 12 years ago.
I found the ticket stubs from the Ani Difranco concerts and the playbill for plays I once loved. Paintings the kids brought home with these tiny hand prints that no longer exist were in the mix; so was the card my grandmother wrote me when my grandfather died. She wrote me a comforting card. A manila envelope of letters that first husband sent from rehab it was full of empty promises.
I also found the sealed envelopes addressed to Seth and to Drew. Inside these were my suicide letters to them. I opened them and read the depth of my depression just 6 years prior to now. How desperate and alone I was just 6 years ago. Thank God I never had the guts.
While cleaning all of this out my 7 month old was having a blast in the debris on the living room floor and I saw this glimpse of my past there scattered all around her. All of my dark, alone, scared, hiding was there on the floor and she, my present and future, was just tossing it over her tiny head and giggling as though it was the funniest thing.