Inside my Head Today

Invisible weight

so hard to carry

Visible weight

leads to more invisible weight

Quiet solitude with

people all around

Singing in the car

to myself

No phone calls

only bills in the mail

Working

for way too little

Still here in this house

not home anymore

Desire for sleep

although I obtained plenty

Urge to be alone

the want for only myself

Depression

takes me in waves

Comes back

undulating with chemicals

Leaves me gasping for freedom

at times

Leaves me happy inside my head

at times

Must try to remain as normal

as possible

At least as normal

as I ussually am

My definition of normal

is blurred

Maybe it's not me

just the dictionary

Feb 6

Somehow it doesn't seem like a year-a whole year since that day.

I was very nervous because I was singing in the wedding, not because I was getting married.

He worked that day and then came to the church around 2:30 or so and shaved in the church restroom. We wore purple- my favorite color- an eggplant version. The kids wore a icy green color- his favorite. We hired a photographer, it was her first wedding shoot and she was more tore up than anyone there. I made the cake, it was fabulous. Peanut butter fugde cake and icing, them swiss vanilla, then black forrest choclate. We used a big cookie and a glass of milk on top instead of a bride and groom. I made a miniature banner that read "We go together like..." to go over the cookie and milk. We did not decorate the church.

We wrote our own vowes. I vowed to me the cookies to his milk, the cheese to his mac, and the right to his left. We went away for the weekend, the kids stayed with my parents.

I am sure that the physical part of marriage never came with emotion until him. Before it was always an act, a duty, not it is not.

It's funny because about 2 years prior I would have sworn I'd never get married and that I throughly hated men. Everything changed, life became right side up suddenly.